My Drive Home Last Night

Well, that was a fun little reception put on by Chicago GSB. How cool that I already knew both of the second-years from my trip back to Chicago last fall. This made me want to reapply. I’ll have to think about it. I think I was so excited that I probably sipped down four glasses of water while I was sitting there. Speaking of that, maybe I should find a bathroom before I leave. Nah, I’ll wait until I get home. Typhoon eh? Not too bad, I’ll have to remember this restaurant. The Olympic fountain is under repair eh? What a shame, now I won’t have to watch little kids giving themselves an enema. Pfttt. Why did you park on the opposite side of this place? Now you have to walk two blocks. I need to go. I wonder if there is a restroom along here somewhere. Dang, no such luck. Now where did I park? Oh yea, down two sets of escalators. There is that green POS. I really need to go. Maybe I should just go against the wall before I get in my car. What? Are you serious? You’re not a hobo! Get in the car! This makes no sense. How did I drop down two levels in this place, but now I have to ascend through seven levels to get out? I hate this parking garage. Don’t they know I have an ever expanding grape fruit of a bladder that is pressing against the back side of my belt? Oh great! A line to pay. That wasn’t too bad. It’s a good thing I had a parking validation and didn’t have to pay. Now let’s get out of here. Oh good, one light to go and I’ll be on the freeway. Why is this thing not changing? Does it really know my predicament and wants to be cute? Go ahead, light, stare at me with your beady little red eye. It doesn’t bother me. Oh my word, this is ridiculous! You better change light! I’m serious! If you don’t change I’m going to get out of my car and give you a beating! Oh wow, you’re making me mad now. Light, you don’t want me to get out of this car! Oh, you’re really getting me mad now. I’m undoing my seat belt. I’m serious light! You don’t want me to open this door light! Okay, I’m reaching for the handle light! On the count of three I’m going to open the door and then you’ll be in real trouble light. I’m not even kidding! You better change light! You don’t want me to get out of this car! One… Two… Green! You’re lucky that I have to go or I would get out of this car and give you a beating just out of principle. Ok car, let’s go! Wow, what a night to have a car that does zero-to-sixty in fourteen minutes. I just had a 1972 VW bus beat me up this ramp. Okay, I’m on the freeway now and I’m cruising. I’m starting to sweat. Are you kidding? I can’t believe I just had to wipe off my forehead. Oh my word! I really don’t know if I’m going to make it. What are my options here? I could pull over and pee in the emergency lane. You’re not going to do that, come on now, just bite the bullet. What if I pulled off and used a gas station? That’s even worse than the emergency lane. I’ll just drive faster. Move you stinking minivan! I can’t get over. I can’t believe I can’t get around this minivan. Move! Oh my word! I swear I’ve been driving for 45 minutes and I’ve only made it to 33rd south?! My knee is shaking. Why can’t I stop my knee from shaking? I seriously can’t stop my knee from shaking! Out of the way Uhaul! Move it or lose it! Why does my jaw hurt? I think I must be clenching my teeth. Too late to think about that now, I’m starting to get double vision. Try singing a song to take your mind off it. Sing. Sing a song. Sing out loud! I’ll be there! . . . . What’s the use, not even Neil Diamond can help me out of this. Oh finally, my exit. Look truck, I’m not missing my exit! If I have to cut you off I’m getting over! Okay, I made that. What on earth, I made the tires squeal going around that corner?! I didn’t know that was possible in this car. My leg is seriously going to stomp a hole through the floor. Whoa, whoa, whoa! I think a drop may have just come out! I’m in serious trouble here. Finally! The gate to my complex. What’s the code again? Hurry gate! Hurry! Okay, just park the car, leave the engine running, and go! Wait, I need my keys to get in the house, go back to your car and get them. Where’s the door key? Where’s the door key?! I’m running in circles in my front yard while I look for my door key! I’m shaking. Where in the world is the key! Why is it so dark out here?! There it is! Come back and shut the door later! I just jumped up those stairs in three strides. Zip! Oh my, the sweet sweet Niagara of relief, the Nile of reprieve, the meandering Mississippi of liberation! I’m teetering. I should use my off hand to brace myself against the wall. Ah, much better. Oh yea….. What’s this? That’s the first time it’s given me an intermission. But what do I do? I’m already in the bathroom. Oh good, here comes Act II. Whoa, I just got the shivers