Another Run-In With the Law

I’ve now experienced being profiled. On Friday night, I went to watch a cover band of The Misfits. I can’t remember the connection, whether it was my friend’s friend who was in the band, or a friend of my friend’s friend, or just some other acquaintance, but that’s how I found out about it. And of course, they played their set in a bar. I’m not a big Misfits fan, but it was kind of fun. But, on the way home, I drove into a police checkpoint on Redwood Road. I didn’t know what it was all about, but I pulled up to the nearest station and rolled down my window.

Me: Hello Officer.
Officer: Hello, where are you coming from?
Me: Downtown, I’m just heading home.
Officer: What were you up to tonight?
Me: I was at a bar. (Thinking to myself, “Stupid, you should have said a concert”.)
Officer: When was the last time you drank?
Me: Never.
Officer: Never?
Me: That’s right.
Officer: Will you follow me into the parking lot?

As I followed the officer into the parking lot, I was a little bit nervous. I was really tired and I wasn’t sure how well I would do at walking a tightrope. And was it possible to fail a breathalyzer test from second hand smoke? But then I thought to myself, “This guy just accused me of lying. I don’t like being accused of lying. Anyway, it’s probably a good thing that these guys are out here to catch the real offenders.”

Officer: Will you please step out of the car, Sir?
Me: Sure.
Officer: So you’ve never had a drink before?
Me: Nope.
Officer: Okay, put your feet together, hands at your side, and follow the end of this pen while I shine my flashlight in your eyes (Okay, he didn’t really say that last phrase).
Me: Okay.
Officer: Well, you’ve passed that test and I don’t smell any alcohol on you….
Me: (In my thought) that’s because I didn’t drink!
Officer: …but I better have you take one more test anyway.
Me: Okay.
Officer: Now, I’m going to have you breath into this tube, notice I didn’t touch the end you’ll use.
Me: That’s fine.
Officer: No, I need you to blow into the tube.
Me: Sorry, I thought you said to breath in it.
Officer: No, blow. (I could have put out my grandpa’s birthday cake.) Okay, you passed. You can keep that tube.
Me: Like a souvenir?

Yep, I passed. I got back in my car and started to drive home. When I was almost there I thought to myself that I didn’t get my license back. After checking my pockets, my wallet, under the seat, everywhere, I still couldn’t find it. So, I turned around and went back to the police checkpoint. Up until this point, I was okay with being profiled. I mean, the likelihood that a single 30-ish looking guy that is driving home from a bar at 1am would be drunk driving is probably greater than a pizza delivery guy at 6pm. But then I got back to the checkpoint and I noticed that there were about 20 policemen inside this little building eating donuts and another 20 out manning the checkpoint, all of whom were getting time and a half. I had to ask around for the officer that chose me, and sure enough, he was in on break.

Me: I didn’t get my license back.
Officer: Well, is it in your pockets?
Me: (Acting stupid and checking my pockets again.) No, it’s not in my pockets.
Officer: How about your car?
Me: No, I just checked there and didn’t see it.
Officer: Maybe you dropped it where you parked.
Me: Yea, that’s an idea, let’s go check.
Officer: I’m not sure what you would have done with it.
Me: Me neither, I don’t see it here.
Officer: (Checking his pockets) Oh, here it is.
Me: Thanks. Have a good night.
Officer: Drive safe.

Okay, I was starting to get a little fired up. This checkpoint was being handled by twice as many cops as it needed, all being paid with my taxes, and the guy had the typical smug police attitude and wouldn’t even apologize for having my license in his pocket, but it was partly my fault for not asking for it, so I just got in my car and left. But, as I left, out comes another cop car that proceeds to tail me half way home. I mean, I passed all their tests, and they forgot my card, and now they figured they had to follow me and run my plates through their system to see what came up. Give me a break. I need to move back to the east side