Mr. Muscle

I’ve been part of the planning committee for a charity concert that took place the other night. Well, okay, I sometimes went to the meetings and listened. But, they decided to let me be a security guy during the concert anyway. It was a fine job. When I heard they would let me be a security guy, I immediately offered to be the frisker at the front of the girl line. (“You pass ma’am, and your legs are very smooth. Next!”) I thought that I had finally found my life’s calling, until all of my hopes and dreams were shattered when someone told me of a legal loophole prohibiting guys from frisking girls. What a jip! There was no way I was going to frisk the guys without wearing a plutonium suit, so they decided to make me a ticket taker. That went okay for a while until I got in trouble for letting all the cute girls in for free. (“What are you doing? Those ten tickets could have bought a clean well for the sick children! But . . . but . . . did you see her?”) After my first mishap, they decided to put me at the front of the crowd, where all I had to do was stand with my back to the band with my arms folded. Things went well at first until they started to crowd surf. The first little kid that came my way I dropped on his head. (“Oh, quit crying. Just walk it off!”) That was strike one. When I caught a girl surfer, set her down on her feet, and proceeded to frisk her (“You in the glasses, stop it! But boss, she looked like she had a razor blade in her back pocket.”) I got both strike two and three. I was fired from my security position, but they let me keep the t-shirt. I’ve always heard that what a girl really looks for in a guy is “security”, and I just knew that this was my big break. I strutted around the crowd with as much swagger as I could just knowing that my security T-shirt was going to draw them in like chum in a shark pool. At first it didn’t work, so I decided to tap on a girl’s shoulder and introduce myself. She slapped me! I guess she thought I was accusing her of carrying razor blades again.

Okay, so almost none of that was true. I actually was assigned a position outside by the bus.