I’ve been part of the planning committee for a charity concert that took place the other night. Well, okay, I sometimes went to the meetings and listened. But, they decided to let me be a security guy during the concert anyway. It was a fine job. When I heard they would let me be a security guy, I immediately offered to be the frisker at the front of the girl line. (“You pass ma’am, and your legs are very smooth. Next!”) I thought that I had finally found my life’s calling, until all of my hopes and dreams were shattered when someone told me of a legal loophole prohibiting guys from frisking girls. What a jip! There was no way I was going to frisk the guys without wearing a plutonium suit, so they decided to make me a ticket taker. That went okay for a while until I got in trouble for letting all the cute girls in for free. (“What are you doing? Those ten tickets could have bought a clean well for the sick children! But . . . but . . . did you see her?”) After my first mishap, they decided to put me at the front of the crowd, where all I had to do was stand with my back to the band with my arms folded. Things went well at first until they started to crowd surf. The first little kid that came my way I dropped on his head. (“Oh, quit crying. Just walk it off!”) That was strike one. When I caught a girl surfer, set her down on her feet, and proceeded to frisk her (“You in the glasses, stop it! But boss, she looked like she had a razor blade in her back pocket.”) I got both strike two and three. I was fired from my security position, but they let me keep the t-shirt. I’ve always heard that what a girl really looks for in a guy is “security”, and I just knew that this was my big break. I strutted around the crowd with as much swagger as I could just knowing that my security T-shirt was going to draw them in like chum in a shark pool. At first it didn’t work, so I decided to tap on a girl’s shoulder and introduce myself. She slapped me! I guess she thought I was accusing her of carrying razor blades again.
Okay, so almost none of that was true. I actually was assigned a position outside by the bus.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Birds of a, well, whatever
I work with a guy who has a different sense of humor. For instance, he finds it hilarious to flip people off just out of the blue. I must admit, it makes me laugh whenever I’m typing away at my keyboard and notice the flash of a middle finger out of the corner of my eye. It got me thinking, there are a lot of ways to give someone the bird. (There may be others I’m forgetting. Personally, I don’t usually flip anything off, except for maybe the all too frequent graduate school rejection letter.)
The shy apologetic bird – is the kind when your finger is only half way extended, and only two digits of the finger are distinguishable from the fist. The kind you have to hold down low around your belt, and can’t help but let fly to get something off your chest, but at the same time hope that no one else sees it.
The camouflage bird – is the type when you are agreeing with everything the person is saying, but at the same time you are pretending to scratch your cheek or push up your glasses, of course, with the middle finger. “No, no. That’s not what I meant at all. I was just scratching”.
The gimmick bird – is when the offender makes his hand a prop, like a trumpet, or when they pretend they are blasting down their fingers in a shooting gallery, or imagining their hand as a makeup case as they powder their nose. This one kind of annoys me. What are they doing, trying to be cute and mad at the same time?
The gunslinger bird – this is the classic quick draw, nothing up my sleeve, now you see it now you don’t, flash of the middle finger. The kind you do as you are walking by someone else’s desk, or getting ready to flee in terror from a group of big dudes.
The hello how are ya bird – this is the bird you give with the thumb fully extended. Often the bird is at a slight angle and held up in front of a smirking face, as if to say, “hey there, buddy, I’ve got a call for ya on line one”.
The Big Ben bird – this is the pie in the sky, fully extended, tight fisted, leaning Eiffel Tower exclamation point. It is usually held high above the head in protest of a bad driver or ignorant zoobie and often takes a mother hanging at the wrist to end its well deserved and drawn out duration.
The Hill Billy McGee bird – That guy actually just had four fingers cut off on accident as he worked on his Hemi. “What? You got a problem? No sir, I’s just wavin’ howdy.” It was a disaster when they put McGee on the Girl Scout Float in the Fourth of July parade. No boxes of Thin Mints were sold that year.
The shy apologetic bird – is the kind when your finger is only half way extended, and only two digits of the finger are distinguishable from the fist. The kind you have to hold down low around your belt, and can’t help but let fly to get something off your chest, but at the same time hope that no one else sees it.
The camouflage bird – is the type when you are agreeing with everything the person is saying, but at the same time you are pretending to scratch your cheek or push up your glasses, of course, with the middle finger. “No, no. That’s not what I meant at all. I was just scratching”.
The gimmick bird – is when the offender makes his hand a prop, like a trumpet, or when they pretend they are blasting down their fingers in a shooting gallery, or imagining their hand as a makeup case as they powder their nose. This one kind of annoys me. What are they doing, trying to be cute and mad at the same time?
The gunslinger bird – this is the classic quick draw, nothing up my sleeve, now you see it now you don’t, flash of the middle finger. The kind you do as you are walking by someone else’s desk, or getting ready to flee in terror from a group of big dudes.
The hello how are ya bird – this is the bird you give with the thumb fully extended. Often the bird is at a slight angle and held up in front of a smirking face, as if to say, “hey there, buddy, I’ve got a call for ya on line one”.
The Big Ben bird – this is the pie in the sky, fully extended, tight fisted, leaning Eiffel Tower exclamation point. It is usually held high above the head in protest of a bad driver or ignorant zoobie and often takes a mother hanging at the wrist to end its well deserved and drawn out duration.
The Hill Billy McGee bird – That guy actually just had four fingers cut off on accident as he worked on his Hemi. “What? You got a problem? No sir, I’s just wavin’ howdy.” It was a disaster when they put McGee on the Girl Scout Float in the Fourth of July parade. No boxes of Thin Mints were sold that year.
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